VO

Welcome to the Oprah Winfrey show (or however it's really introduced – need to tape it tomorrow!) and now, here's Oprah!

Oprah

(Matt)

Thank you, thank you. We have a spectacular show for you today. We have Kevin Spacey here to talk to us about his work in London. (pause for applause) We have Doctor Phil stopping by to get us to take responsibility for our own weight loss and hair loss. (pause for applause) And, we have a very special segment, just for Spring ... and that's all today! I guess you all picked the right day to be in the audience, if you know what I mean ....

Now, here's our first guest, Kevin Spacey.

Kevin comes on and greets Oprah and the audience

It's great to see you, Kevin.

Kevin
(Greg)

Thanks, Oprah, it's great to be here today. I mean, it's great to be anywhere away from the London press, but it's extra great to be here with you.

Oprah

Thanks, Kevin, but what do you mean about the London press?

Kevin

Well, Oprah, I've been working hard, trying to get some decent plays in at the Old Vic Theatre in London.

Oprah

Yes, I had heard you were hired there as artistic director. That's quite a coup for you, I would say.

Kevin

That's what I would have said too, Oprah, but they just don't seem to like me over there.

Oprah

What do you mean, Kevin?

Kevin

Well, take the reviews, for instance. They never give any constructive criticism, they just say mean stuff like “the production was bizarrely awful” and that kind of thing.

Oprah

That certainly seems a bit unkind to me.

Kevin

That's only the beginning, Oprah, only the beginning.

Oprah

Only the beginning?

Kevin

Yes, they've begun to question my intelligence! I mean, come on, I've won two Oscars for crying out loud – two Oscars! You can't tell me that anyone who can do that isn't at least borderline genius ... right Oprah?

Oprah

I wouldn't want to argue with that, Kevin.

Kevin

And now, they want me to leave the country! Leave the country! Can you imagine the way that makes me feel? I mean, I left my own country to try to bring some culture to this old European backwater place, and they do nothing but insult me. I've decided to cancel the whole Summer season, just to give them some time to realize what they're missing when I'm not there.

Oprah

That's an interesting way to deal with that Kevin. But surely not everything in your life is so down right now, is it?

Kevin

Why, now that you mention it, Oprah, it is kind of hard to stay down when Spring has sprung. In fact, I'm going to let you in on a secret, just because I'm feeling so good now.

Oprah

Ooh, a secret? We're all ears, aren't we folks?

Kevin

OK, here goes. I'm in love! (He starts jumping on the couch, over the back, rolling back onto it, falling off onto the floor, etc. all the while repeating “I'm in love!”)

Oprah

Kevin Spacey is in love, folks, and you heard it here first. Kevin, this is wonderful – who is the lucky person? Anyone we know?

Kevin

(Settling back down, sitting on the couch again, calm in that Kevin Spacey kind of way) Oh, I can't tell you who it is ... I told you it was a secret, so I have to keep at least part of it secret, or I wouldn't be doing my part, now would I?

Oprah

Well ....

Kevin

I'm glad you understand, Oprah. Anyway, I can hardly wait to get back to London and make them watch some fine American plays. You know, plays with words everyone can understand – none of that forsooth and mayhaps and all those pretend words they use in their plays over there. It's no wonder they had to ask me to help them out.

Oprah

That's great Kevin.
You know, our next guest would probably like to talk to you about both of these topics: your work in London, and your being in love.

Kevin

Really? Why? Who is it?

Oprah

Only my own pet psychologist – or whatever he is – Doctor Phil!

Kevin

Doctor Phil?! Oh wow!

Doctor Phil enters, greets Oprah and Kevin and the crowd. They all sit on the couch.

Dr Phil
(Will)

Thanks, folks. Oprah, you look lovely as always. Kevin, I was listening to you and Oprah before I came out, and I want to congratulate you on the way you've taken charge of that theater in London. It sounds to me like you're trying to get the critics and the audiences over there to take responsibility for their own happiness, is that right?

Kevin

Exactly, Dr. Phil. I mean, I can't make anyone happy, they have to choose to be happy, right?

Dr Phil

Couldn't have said it better myself, Kevin. And as to your secret ... that's wonderful news, and I again applaud you for managing to keep it a secret, even while you were proclaiming your love all over the davenport.

Kevin

Davenport? I haven't been to Iowa in ages; I've been in England.

Dr Phil

No, no, no. This davenport – the couch.

Kevin

Oh, yes, right. Well thanks, Dr Phil. Coming from you, that means a whole lot.

Dr Phil

Absolutely right, Kevin, absolutely.

Oprah

This is wonderful, the way you two are getting along, but it's time to talk about me and my company for a while.
I hope you folks are all ready for a surprise, because everyone in the audience today has been signed up for a two year subscription to my magazine! Now – I can't imagine this happening – but if you decide you don't want it, you can cancel, and we'll stop charging your credit card just as soon as we can get around to it. But that's not going to happen, because this magazine has everything in it that you need in order to have a happy, successful life! If you just read my magazine and do everything that's in it, you'll end up just like me: rich, powerful, envied, and probably the nicest, most humble person you'll ever meet.

Music starts up – Raindrops on Roses, etc.

Oh – do you hear that?

Kevin

Yes, I think I may have to produce that play in London! I love The King and I!

Dr Phil

Actually, Kevin, I believe it's from Oklahoma.

Oprah

No, you're both wrong. It's from The Sound of Music, and it's introducing a segment of the show that we usually do around Christmas – Oprah's Favorites! Of course, since this is Spring, we're doing Oprah's Favorites – Spring Edition! And that means gifts for everyone, so let's get started!

Kevin

Can I help, Oprah?

Oprah

I don't know, Kevin, can you?

Kevin

Oh, sorry. May I help, Oprah?

Oprah

Of course you may, and Doctor Phil can help as well.

Dr Phil

Why, thank you, Oprah.

Oprah

You're welcome. Well, as you all know, we usually do this kind of thing at Christmas time. It's so nice to come to the end of the year and find all those great new products and pick out my favorites. Then it gets better, because I get to share them with my favorite people. Christmas is a time when everyone seems a little nicer – more like they want to share with each other. But we were thinking that Easter has its own special feeling too. After all, that's when so many of us get a new outfit.

Kevin

Like in that “Easter Bonnet” song.

Dr Phil

Absolutely, Kevin. Easter is another time of sharing. Easter baskets aren't just for marshmallow eggs any more.

Oprah

Right, Doctor Phil. Easter is the big holiday in the Spring, and first off, Spring means the school year is just about over, so the kids are going to be around the house a lot more than usual. That's what those subscriptions to my magazine are all about – you'll have something to read while the kids mow the lawn and do other chores for you.
You'll also find some of my favorite Spring and Summer meals in the magazine, as well as photos from some of my favorite vacation spots, so you're really getting a big helping of my favorite things.

Dr Phil

But getting back to Easter – well it's not just about candy and bunnies, you know. There's a religious holiday involved here.

Oprah

Of course, there is. But for many of us it still means Easter bunnies and baskets with candy and Peeps and fake grass and jelly beans and plastic eggs and all that stuff, too!
So now Doctor Phil and Kevin are going to help our Easter Bunnies pass out the fabulous gifts we have, but I don't want anyone to open them until we all have them. That way we can all get our surprise at the same time.

Kevin and Doctor Phil join the other bunnies (and put on the ears) to pass out the plastic eggs. Once they're all passed out and Kevin and Phil are back on the couch with Oprah –

Oprah

OK, let's open our eggs!

Dr Phil

Mine's empty, Oprah.

Kevin

So is mine. I might as well be in London.

Oprah

What? (opens her own egg) So is mine. I can't imagine what went wrong here. I mean, my staff is usually so good at this kind of thing. (looking at the audience) Did any of you get empty eggs? Oh, this is embarrassing. I don't understand this at all.

Bunny
(Caitlin)

I think I know, Oprah.

Oprah

OK, what does this mean?

Bunny

The eggs are empty, and this is about one of your favorite things, right? Well, what was empty that's also one of the greatest things anyone ever got?
(pause, but no one says anything)
It's the empty tomb!
This is just like on that first Easter. The women were going to finish burying Jesus, but when they got to the tomb, it was empty. He was gone, and the stone had been rolled away.

Oprah

Right, by someone from my Angels Network.

Bunny

Actually, Oprah, this happened before you founded your Angels Network. I think this was a regular garden variety angel. Anyway, these eggs are empty, just like the tomb was empty, so that reminds us that Jesus died to pay for our sins on Good Friday, but then on Easter He rose again so He could take us to live with Him in Heaven. If that's not one of your favorite things, it sure should be.

Oprah

I think you're right.

Dr Phil

Now wait just a minute here. Are you saying that Jesus is taking responsibility for my sins? Is that what you're saying?

Bunny

Exactly, Doctor Phil. Jesus has paid for your sins and mine. All we have to do is accept His gift.

Dr Phil

Well, that's a pretty good eggsplanation, I guess, but how did you become such an eggspert on all this Easter stuff?

Bunny

It's what we learn about in church, and I read it in the Bible.

Oprah

So all of this is in the Bible?

Bunny

Eggsactly, Oprah. You know, if you really want the best life, the Bible is even better than your magazine. It has everything in it you need to have a joyful life. Jesus said He came so we could have life, and have it abundantly, and the Bible is where you can find out how He gives us Eternal Life!

Kevin

(holds up opened, empty egg) Oprah ... Easter. Easter ... Oprah.

Oprah

You know, that wasn't funny the first time either. Let's have some music.